Voldie The Counsellor
by SiriusWillRiseAgain
Summary: Vodemort has become a counsellor! Will he be any good at his new job? Please R&R!
1. Default Chapter

**I don't own any characters, JK Rowling does. Though, if she wants to sell either Fred, George or Snape to me for about £50, then that would be great!**

**Harry's session**

Voldemort has become a counsellor!

Harry Potter is Voldemort's first victim. Err….. I mean patient.

Voldie: So, Harry, what exactly is wrong with you?

Harry: Well, Voldie, it's my hair. It's been getting me down for years now – WHY WON'T IT LIE FLAT????????

Voldie: Maybe because it hates you? Or maybe because you're too bloody perfect!!

Harry: (bursts into tears) WHY ARE YOU SO MEAN! I HATE YOU!

Voldie: I'm only mean to you because YOU WON'T DIE! WHY CAN'T I KILL YOU??

Harry: Because I'm pretty. Prettier than you!!

Voldie: You are so not prettier than me!

Harry: Yes I am!

Voldie: No you're not!

Harry: AM!

Voldie: NOT!

Harry: AM ONE MORE TIME THAT YOU CAN EVER SAY NOT!! HAHAHAHAHAH.

Voldie: (Sulks)

Harry: You know, there is something else wrong with me.

Voldie: (Gets excited) Really? What??

Harry: I'm in love with someone. Someone I shouldn't be in love with.

Voldie: (Leans forwards eagerly) Who is it? Come on Harry, you know you can always talk to me!

Harry: Well…. I dunno, will you promise not to tell ANYONE?

Voldie: JUST GET ON WITH IT!

Harry: OK, OK!! I love Snape!! He doesn't know yet, do you think I should tell him?

Voldie: Snape??!?!?! YOU LOVE SNAPE?

Harry: Yeeeessss.

Voldie: NO! YOU CANNOT LOVE HIM!!

Harry: Why not??

Voldie: Because (takes deep breath) because I love him!! Why else do you think he was never 'discovered' to be working undercover for the Order? I couldn't bear to kill him!

Harry: Oh. Well, er……………………………………. Gotta go!!

Harry: (runs out of the room)

Harry: SEVVIE? SEVVIE? WHERE ARE YOU, MY DARLING? I LOVE YOU!!

Voldie: NNNNNNOOOOOOO!! SEV, DON'T LISTEN TO HIM!! I LOVE YOU!!

Snape: AAHHHHH GET THEM AWAY!! AWAY I TELL YOU!! AWAY!


	2. Viktor Krum has returned!

**I still don't own any charcters! PLEASE, JUST LET ME HAVE THE TWINS!! PLEASE!**

**Viktor Krum's session**

_Viktor Krum enters Voldie's office._

Voldie: Vell, vell, vell, vat do ve have here?

Viktor: Vat?

Voldie: Vat is your problem?

Viktor: Are you taking the mick out ov my accent?

Voldie: No, ov course not! _Vhy _vould I do that?

Viktor: YOU ARE! YOU ARE STILL EVIL!

Voldie: Vell, if you vill have a stupid accent……… look, vat did you vant anyway?

Viktor: It's about Hermione, I really like her! But, she's not the only one I like. There's also Harry, Draco, Ron, Neville, Dean, Pansy, Parvati and Padma.

Voldie: I'm a counsellor, not a bloody dating agency! Why the hell are you here?

Viktor: Because I need help!! Who should I ask out?

Voldie: Does it look like I really give a dam you stupid Quidditch-playing-stupid-accent boy.

Viktor: Vell, yes. After all, you ARE the counsellor, you have to help me!!

Voldie: Vell, vat, vhy, vant – you sound stupid!! Go and learn proper English!

Viktor: NO! YOUR LANUAGE IS STUPID!

Voldie: _Vell, _that is your opinion, and you are perfectly entitled to it. However, you are wrong, because YOU ARE A BULGARIAN PRICK!

Viktor: YOU ARE SO MEAN!! MEANIE!!

Voldie: PRICK! WITH A STUPID ACCENT!

Viktor: Vuck ov!!

Voldie: _Vuck ov??? VUCK OV?? HAHAAHAHAHAHAHA _(goes into manic laughter).

Viktor: Vas??

Voldie: hahahahahaaahahahaha. (becomes 'deadly' serious.) Get out.

Viktor: Oh, ok. But one more thing before I go.

Voldie: Get on with it then

Viktor: I also love Snape!! More than any ov those ova pricks!

Voldie: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SEVVIE IS MINE!! MINE I TELL YOU!

(Both run out of the room shouting for 'Sev'.)

Snape: WHY WON'T YOU PEOPLE LEAVE ME ALONE! GET AWAY!! I HATE YOU ALL!! SHOO!!

Harry: SEVVIE!! There you are! I've been looking EVERYWHERE for you!! Come on, give us a kiss! (smooches)

(Snape backs away slowly)

Snape: Oh God, no, not again, please (Harry jumps on him) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

* * *

**Like it? Or not? Please R&R!**


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